tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
