I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
