god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
