Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
