dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You need Xanax blowdarts
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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