found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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