the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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