kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
