your parents love me but you hate me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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