I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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