i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
