I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
