You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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