i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
