Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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