Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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