i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
