I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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