You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
