why do cheetos always look like penises
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
