You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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