dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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