You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
