Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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