I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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