why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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