I puked a lego.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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