He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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