I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
