woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
