Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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