I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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