She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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