think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Randomize
