I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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