why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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