the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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