i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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