don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
