She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Someone signed my nipple.
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