Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
