Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
