I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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