A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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