I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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