I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize