just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
