3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
