Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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