Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
