Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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