Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
