you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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