She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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