booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
