isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize