dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
