the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Your penis caused this!
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