apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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