how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
