I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Houston, we have a blender
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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