If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
