Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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