weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
